I Blow Up Orphanages And Jesus Still Loves Me (SATIRE)

(Read this article for context.)

I’ve blown up orphanages for fun and Jesus still loves me. My faith is, like, such a big part of my life, and people get, like, religion and, like Christianity and stuff so messed up some times. My faith is, like, personal, like a relationship, not, like all judging and ‘oh Jesus doesn’t like it when you dynamite a building full of orphans’, it’s, like, so much bigger than that. I sin daily, and Jesus still loves me.

Regardless of anything that I’ve done where people go, like, ‘oh, that deserves life in prison’, it doesn’t work like that. Like, I sin daily and Jesus still loves me, because, like Jesus and stuff. No man, woman or animal can judge me, I like, won’t stand for it. My faith has, like, grown so much since I started blowing up orphanages, and I realize what relationship with the Lord is, like, really about and I, like, don’t have to carry that.

When people try to make me feel, like, bad and stuff because I blow up orphanages, that’s, like messed up and I won’t stand for it. Like, don’t judge, people.

[Author’s note: the preceding article is entirely satirical. Normally, people would understand this, but it’s 2019 and everything is stupid. Also, the author has not actually blown up any orphanages, and does not condone doing so. That would be messed up.]

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