How To Speak In Tongues In 5 Easy Steps [SATIRE]

Do you want to be super spiritual? Of course you do. What’s the best way to be super spiritual? Speaking in tongues, of course! Speaking in tongues makes you into a super spiritual uber-Christian; it’s in the Bible. Sadly, not everyone can speak in tongues readily like the Bible says we’re supposed to. Now, thanks to my brand-new method, everyone can break forth in ecstatic, incomprehensible utterances, just like the Apostles did

You will need:

A floor

A Lego

Your feet

A shofar horn

Step 1:

Remove your shoes and socks. The spirit can’t work when you have shoes on. It’s in the Bible.

Step 2:

Place the Lego on the floor.

Step 3:

Blow your shofar horn. This is important, because it wakes up the angels. Angels are important.

Step 4:

Step on the Lego as hard as you can.

Step 5:

Try not to cuss. Congratulations! Now you’re speaking in tongues! Feel that anointing!

With this easy 5-step method you’re well on your way to super-Christian status. This method is so powerful that, if you do it often enough, you’ll need a towel to soak up all of the bloo- er, anointing. What are you waiting for? Go get your Lego and your shofar, and start speaking in tongues!

[The preceding article is entirely satirical. The author is satirizing the weirdness an whackiness called tongues today, not the biblical gift of speaking in other languages. The author also does not condone stepping on Legos.]

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