Anti-Murder Legislation Hurts Innocent Murderers [SATIRE]

Six months ago, Bertie Kilfacer needed to get rid of his ex-girlfriend.

“I just couldn’t handle it” he tells me, looking wistfully out the window at the rainy day outside. “She kept calling me every week, asking me to give back her salad spinner. It was bad for my mental health. I had to make her go away.”

Bertie’s only option was to murder his girlfriend, a risky proceedure, stigmatised by many in the culture. Bertie survived his dangerous back alley murder. Many do not.

“She shot me three times” he tells me, wincing. The trauma of the memory is plain on his face. “I barely survived. It hurt so much.”

Bertie is one of the lucky ones. Every day, hundreds of innocent murderers lose their lives in dangerous back alley procedures. The reasons these people feel driven to undertake these dangerous procedures varies, from needing to end a toxic relationship, to not being able to feed another mouth. But all murderers have one thing in common: our society oppresses them by forcing them into dangerous back alley murders where they could easily be murdered themselves. Despite the danger, millions of murderers still seek out murders every year. Thousands of these murderers will not survive their procedures, due to the dangerous nature of unregulated back alley murders.

The only way to end this tragedy is to end senseless anti-murder laws. Anti-murder laws place an undue burden on those with unplanned relationships, who neither need nor want someone else in their life. Religious fundamentalists especially oppose murderers’ right to access this vital procedure, and would see it banned nationwide, forcing more and more innocent murderers into dangerous back alley procedures that many don’t survive. The only way to protect the millions of innocent murderers like Bertie is sensible, compassionate murder policy. The only person who can make the difficult decision to murder someone is the murderer themself, and the government has no right to interfere in that intensely personal decision. For the health and safety of millions of murderers, it is imperative that the government allow murder to be safe, legal, and rare.

[The author wishes to note that the preceding article is entirely satirical in nature. If you want to hear this argument made seriously, I think you know where to look.]

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