Pride Month is once again upon us, with its rainbow-filled celebrations of diversity, inclusion, and equality. But as we celebrate the stunningly brave stunningness and bravery of our LGBTQ+ neighbors, friends and relatives, let us not forget that Pride Month is very exclusionary of the other six deadly sins. In the spirit of inclusion, I’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of the other six deadly sins and how you can celebrate them too.
- Envy Month
Look around at your neighbors’ stuff and notice how much nicer it is than yours. Focus non-stop on how much nicer their stuff is and how much you want it. This will get you into the spirit of envy month, but don’t start there. Do this for everyone you see. Think about how much better they have it than you, and resent them for it. Then, at the end of each week, everyone gets to go and loot the stuff they want! Go ahead, you deserve it.
- Wrath Month
People do annoying stuff all the time. Normally, adults let this stuff go, but for Wrath Month I want you to dwell on it and get really, really, mad. Store up that anger, focus on how much you hate the other person who made you angry. Then at the end of each week of Wrath Month, everyone can go out and beat up the people who made them angry. Fun for the entire family!
- Sloth Month
No, silly, not the mammal that hangs upside down from trees. Laziness! We celebrate Sloth Month by being as lazy as humanly possible. Favorite slothtivities include aimlessly surfing the web for hours, binge-watching your favorite shows, and napping. If you really want to get into the spirit of Sloth Month, don’t change out of your PJs. Ever. Going to work is, of course, not something we do during Sloth Month. Needless to say, the government should be giving us checks so we can afford to have everything Doordashed to us. And if you have a rolling chair, you don’t even need to get up to answer the door!
- Greed Month
Another month about getting stuff! This time though, we’re not stealing it. Instead, we’re buying all of the nice stuff we see in ads! Do you really need a new Mercedes? Of course! Replacing your entire wardrobe with the nicest designer brands? You deserve it. Want a jet ski? YOLO, bro! Is that dodo-skin handbag just to die for? You go girl! Money is no object during Greed Month, just take out another credit card!
- Gluttony Month
Here’s the month for People of Girth. Gluttony month is devoted to one thing, and one thing only: eating more. Go ahead and eat an entire cake for breakfast, you deserve it. Eat a 12-course lunch. Snack on skittle-covered doughnuts between meals. Snarf down a couple pizzas while you watch Netflix. If at any point you’re not stuffed to the gunwales with food, eat something! Big is beautiful, baby.
- Lust Month
Let your freak flag fly for Lust Month. Ladies, it’s time to show off everything for a watching public; your value is solely contingent on how many men want your body. Guys, you’ve got to get out there and have as much sex as possible, with as many women as possible, or you’re not a real man. Everything revolves around sex for Lust Month, advertisements, songs, movies, everything should be about sex. Porn will be free and easily available. For Lust Month, people are nothing more than sex objects. So, I guess nothing really changes for Lust Month.
There you have it, a much more inclusive calendar that lets us celebrate all the values of our modern secular society. I hope we can all get behind these in the spirit of diversity, equity, and inclusion. After all, God has to run out of brimstone eventually, right?
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